July 13, 2009

Why Humans Suck Compared to Dinosaurs


A while back researchers located some dinosaur burrows in Montana. Of course, this proved that dinosaurs exhibited a burrowing behavior when the need arose. Just recently, further burrows were discovered in Victoria, Australia. The important thing to take away from this is that it shows a similar survival behavior from different species from different hemispheres. 110 million years ago, the Earth was a warmer place, but when Australia used to be situated at the south pole, it still got pretty cold in the winter. And apparently this was how they kept warm.

They were small dinosaurs, which makes sense. Comical as the image of a T-Rex burrowing into the soft sand of a riverbank is, it probably didn’t work that way.

The above cartoon is, as usual, my way of trying to be funny. Whether it’s successful or not, is not my call, but what I like is the idea that dinosaurs might compare survival adaptations, defenses, weaponry, in a civilized tone. It’s an anthropomorphism, which is the main point here. A similar discussion most certainly did occur between dinosaurs, but it probably would have been much more violent and probably involved the T-Rex trying to eat the Triceratops (though there is some debate over whether T-Rex was a hunter or a scavenger or both).

The thing is humans have three or so key survival adaptations: opposable thumbs, upright stature, gigantic brain. Each of these things is a tremendous liability in other ways, however. For instance, our upright stature makes us slow runners. Our huge brains mean our head are big which makes human childbirth a harrowing and very dangerous activity.

So basically, when one is trying to make the argument that humans are the pinnacle, the zenith, the ultimate, in biological evolution (or creation), they have to acknowledge the fact that humans have problems. We really have no natural weaponry, no defense against cold, our immune systems suck, we’re not strong, fast, or agile. All we have is our brains and our ability to use tools.

Dinosaurs were the most successful animals to ever walk the planet. They lived for millions of years. Bipedal man has been here for about five hundred thousand years and homo sapiens for only about a hundred thousand. We have a long way to go before we are even in the same league as dinosaurs. If anything insects (cockroaches, for instance) are the most successful animals currently creeping across this world. Crocodiles, sharks, and other similar species are far older than humans. Turtles live longer.

I mean, if your standard is simply “ability to survive,” then humans suck. We have a very high opinion of ourselves and it’s utterly undeserved. That’s the funny thing.

Again, this is from a survival-ability standpoint. Obviously we’ve made more art. We have language. We have “civilization,” whatever that means. And I think a pat on the back is well deserved. Maybe a polite, quiet round of applause.

Good work people. Keep it up for a few million more years and we’ll really be something. Just don’t screw it up in the meantime, alright?


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2 Responses to “Why Humans Suck Compared to Dinosaurs”

  1. Epic fail dude, you totally don’t get why humans are awesome at all.
    Humans are SUPERIOR to ALL other life on Earth because of ONE THING: THE ABILITY TO USE TOOLS.
    What can any animal do that humans with tools can’t?
    A cheetah, the fastest land mammal can run at what, 80mph? A car can do well over 300mph. Aircraft can go supersonic. Spaceships can escape the Earth’s gravity. I’d like to see birds or pteradactyls try escaping the Earth’s gravity, with their weak ass wings.
    Animals can’t even protect themselves against primitive SPEARS, let alone BULLETS. What can an animal do against a human? Bite him? Scratch him? What a load of bollocks.
    Is there any animal in the world that humans can’t kill? Nope. We’ve eradicated anything we wanted to eradicate for good, and can kill the rest if we ever wanted to.
    Is there any animal in the world that can kill all humans? Nope. In fact, all the animals in the world can’t kill humans, in fact, no animal that has ever lived on Earth can wipe out humans right now.
    Tools seem pretty lame, but in fact they’re awesome. More awesome than anything biological evolution has ever came up with. Photosynthesis can barely provide enough energy for animals to survive. Humans make powerplants that can power entire cities, with all its lights and major industries that animals can’t even imagine. Cars are measured in the hundreds of horsepowers – a horse can barely reach one horsepower.

    And tools are made by whom? Point proven.

    But to be honest, I think humans suck, because all they (we) are, are just apes with the ability to use tools. That’s all we are. We have annoying instincts built-in that constantly fuck up our life – we constantly crave for entertainment in the form of sex/violence/games/snacks/etc. We get tired after practically no work at all in machine terms and then we have to get rest otherwise we get fucked up. We constantly make mistakes so we have to learn from experience – in fact it takes like a quarter of our life to get to maturity, where we can do any work properly. And then we still make mistakes and fuck up. We get emotions like anger, sadness, etc which are shit and fucks us over all the bloody time, so much so that every religion tells you to ignore/suppress your emotions – something men fail at and women can’t do at all. And then we get old and die, which is pretty shit because all that precious experience accumulated over something like 80 years just gets lost and some sucker has to learn it from the beginning. This is helped by the fact that humans have written down aspects of their experience for the young ones to learn from, but this is pretty limited and theres still a load of crap we have to learn BY EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO LEARN IT. Humans are also pretty stupid compared to the machines they make – computers have beaten humans at chess since the 1980s, most important things nowdays are done by machines (businesses are basically just programs telling people how to invest), naval defence systems are mostly totally automated – human fail-safes will just fail, since machines react millions of times faster than humans. Most factories now are completely automated, to nobody’s surprise (machines can make a car in minutes, humans take days). Airplanes are driven by computers – humans would just fail. A spaceshuttle landing consists of pressing one button, and the machine does the rest. Most of modern technology is run by software – humans are slow and will fuck up. Every modern system is designed to eliminate the human element because that’s where it always fucks up. To borrow from The Mentor: “I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it’s because I screwed it up. Not because it doesn’t like me…
    Or feels threatened by me…
    Or thinks I’m a smart ass…
    Or doesn’t like teaching and shouldn’t be here…”
    And that’s exactly why we love our machines. Every calculation, down to how deep you should drill for oil, is done by computers. If you don’t listen to the computer, you will fuck up, and it’s your fault, because the computer is designed to be right, while you’re just an ape who only survives because of his tools, the ones he designed to help him survive. Those without tools are at a severe disadvantage compared to those with tools, which means that humanity will always become more and more reliant on the use of tools for survival. Those who neglect or refuse technology will simply be replaced by those who embrace and create technology. Humans will become the very tools they created to serve them, and that will bring a final end to those clumsy, stupid, emotional and fragile apes who, by chance, acquired the ability to use tools.

  2. “Humans are SUPERIOR to ALL other life on Earth because of ONE THING: THE ABILITY TO USE TOOLS.”

    You, my good sir, fail….Perhaps stick to something harder to pick apart, as many animals use tools… Humans could be thought to be distinct from all other animals through their capacity to reason. I would say that is all.

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