Rick Perry Points at Things

I am back from my summer hiatus. It’s funny that I always feel compelled to blog when school is in session and I have 125 students to teach.

Anyhoo. There was a debate the other night. As a linguist, I find it very entertaining to uphold the farce that these things are actually debates. To define these things as such is a curious phenomenon and makes me wonder just what we are supposed to call real debates, where two or more people give their opinions and then rebut each other point for point. Like, in real life.

To call the farce the other night a debate is, in essence, to admit that democracy has sunk so low that I scarcely think it’s possible to claw our way back up to respectability. The question of “who won” the debate is even more illuminating. The only people who seem to think that it’s possible to determine a victor in such a vapid, empty excuse for political discourse, are the media.

But the thing that amuses me the absolute most is the fact that Rick Perry is generally considered the front runner in this whole circus. Mitt Romney, of course, is his closest competitor, but Rick Perry really seems to be capturing the hearts and minds of…well…somebody. I have a very difficult time understanding the mindset that is required to like this guy.

And that’s just the thing. In what diseased political atmosphere should someone like Rick Perry be the frontrunner for President of the United States? The guy went to Texas A&M, and his college transcript is something that I would be embarrassed to show my folks. That’s not the kind of transcript that gets you a sweet job at a big corporation. Corporations have standards. The state of Texas, however, does not appear to.

What sort of GPA do I think the President of the United States should have? Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fucking 4.0? I didn’t get straight As, to be sure, but I wasn’t too far off by the end. Also, the only college degree that this guy has is a BS in, get this, Animal Science. What the fuck is that even? How does that qualify him to hold the highest elected office in the nation? I want my presidents to have doctorates, I’m afraid.

Does that make me an elitist? Perhaps. But shouldn’t the president be elite? Why would I want a shlub like myself running the goddamned country? I want a genius running the country, not a country bumpkin like Rick Fucking Perry.

When I was looking for pictures of Rick on the internet, I did notice that he does a lot of pointing. My wife pointed out that it’s not pointing so much as it’s power wagging. A fair point. But I didn’t know how to make that any funnier than Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin already have. So I figured pointing a few fingers would be plenty fun. Not to put too fine a point on it.

Perhaps it’s not so much that he points, like he’s really getting to the bottom of society’s problems. It seems just as possible that it is, in fact, a threat. Isn’t it possible that with all of his money, he might have had his pointer fingers replaced with death rays? Whenever he points, he is daring us to step out of line, declare ourselves socialists, homosexuals, scientists, liberals, intellectuals, or thinking human beings. And if we do, don’t think for one second that he won’t project a stream of microwaves directly through your head, causing it to pop like an overripe cantaloupe. That’s what we can look forward to with a Rick Perry presidency.

Punkt für Punkt

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