Rick Perry Points at Things

I am back from my summer hiatus. It’s funny that I always feel compelled to blog when school is in session and I have 125 students to teach.

Anyhoo. There was a debate the other night. As a linguist, I find it very entertaining to uphold the farce that these things are actually debates. To define these things as such is a curious phenomenon and makes me wonder just what we are supposed to call real debates, where two or more people give their opinions and then rebut each other point for point. Like, in real life.

To call the farce the other night a debate is, in essence, to admit that democracy has sunk so low that I scarcely think it’s possible to claw our way back up to respectability. The question of “who won” the debate is even more illuminating. The only people who seem to think that it’s possible to determine a victor in such a vapid, empty excuse for political discourse, are the media.

But the thing that amuses me the absolute most is the fact that Rick Perry is generally considered the front runner in this whole circus. Mitt Romney, of course, is his closest competitor, but Rick Perry really seems to be capturing the hearts and minds of…well…somebody. I have a very difficult time understanding the mindset that is required to like this guy.

And that’s just the thing. In what diseased political atmosphere should someone like Rick Perry be the frontrunner for President of the United States? The guy went to Texas A&M, and his college transcript is something that I would be embarrassed to show my folks. That’s not the kind of transcript that gets you a sweet job at a big corporation. Corporations have standards. The state of Texas, however, does not appear to.

What sort of GPA do I think the President of the United States should have? Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fucking 4.0? I didn’t get straight As, to be sure, but I wasn’t too far off by the end. Also, the only college degree that this guy has is a BS in, get this, Animal Science. What the fuck is that even? How does that qualify him to hold the highest elected office in the nation? I want my presidents to have doctorates, I’m afraid.

Does that make me an elitist? Perhaps. But shouldn’t the president be elite? Why would I want a shlub like myself running the goddamned country? I want a genius running the country, not a country bumpkin like Rick Fucking Perry.

When I was looking for pictures of Rick on the internet, I did notice that he does a lot of pointing. My wife pointed out that it’s not pointing so much as it’s power wagging. A fair point. But I didn’t know how to make that any funnier than Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin already have. So I figured pointing a few fingers would be plenty fun. Not to put too fine a point on it.

Perhaps it’s not so much that he points, like he’s really getting to the bottom of society’s problems. It seems just as possible that it is, in fact, a threat. Isn’t it possible that with all of his money, he might have had his pointer fingers replaced with death rays? Whenever he points, he is daring us to step out of line, declare ourselves socialists, homosexuals, scientists, liberals, intellectuals, or thinking human beings. And if we do, don’t think for one second that he won’t project a stream of microwaves directly through your head, causing it to pop like an overripe cantaloupe. That’s what we can look forward to with a Rick Perry presidency.

Punkt für Punkt

Scott Walker has sold us out to Cthulhu

In light of shameful recent events, it has come to my attention that there is a much deeper and more disturbing situation going on here.

I was discussing this situation with a friend last night (likely about the time that the GOP senators in WI were illegally passing their sociopathic bill) and he made the claim that people like the Koch (Cock) Brothers are most likely satanists. He made it very clear that he was not joking. The Koch Brothers (and indeed, much of the Tea Party libertarian movement) do not, if you look at the evidence, exhibit a sincere desire to help America get back on its feet. Indeed, almost everything that they have attempted to do has been a direct attack on people with little or not hope of balancing budgets or getting the economy on track. Let me rephrase: Everything that they have done has been designed to hurt people. They have done nothing whatsoever to help people get back on their feet and make this country a better place to live.

Not very christian of them. Indeed, as my friend argued, this is exactly the sort of behavior that a satanist would engage in. A real satanist would go to church every Sunday. They would couch almost all of their rhetoric in almost the exact same ways that Scott Walker has, and respond to prank phone calls in the same way as well.

And so, I must politely disagree with my friend. You see, I think that this whole thing is a deviously subtle plot from the Old One, Dread Cthulhu! Think about it. Koch Industries has a long record of ecological disregard. They want to destroy people’s spirits, take away their rights, and sell them toilet paper and napkins.

Isn’t this exactly the sort of behavior that you’d expect from a cult to Cthulhu? Look at it from a strategic standpoint. Do they honestly expect this whole ploy to strip collective bargaining rights is going to work? The political climate is not quite right for it. Indeed, public opinion is just conservative enough that this whole thing is guaranteed only to sow the seeds of chaos and dissent and create unrest. That’s not the sort of New World Order that a satanic cult would endorse. No, no. Either this is a serious tactical blunder (I refuse to believe they are that stupid), or their intention was to create chaos and disorder all along! Think about it, the Koch Brothers are up in their castle keep, chanting dissonant, vulgar prayers to their god of destruction, glorying in the cries of the protesters. This is what they want! The state troopers are moving into the capital and forcefully removing protesters.

Is it only a matter of time before riots break out? Chaos and disorder, my friends, is all that this whole thing has managed to create. And so you have to ask yourself. What’s more likely? That Scott Walker, Rupert Murdoch, and the Koch Brothers are part of a vast cult to Cthulhu, which has successfully managed to deflect the very real and justified anger of the Tea Party at public unions and social programs in order to create widespread panic, confusion, chaos and the death of the American dream? Or that people are actually this evil, nasty, bigoted, disturbed, sociopathic, and (in the Tea Party’s case) stupid, that they would deliberately target public unions, NPR, and Planned Parenthood in a misguided effort to create a society governed by paternal ethics and a corporate oligarchy/police state?

Which is more likely? Hmmm?

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

Rally to Restore Fury

Hello America,

I want it to be understood that I really like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. I really do respect what they do, but in light of recent events, I have to say I’m less than enthused about the state of American politics when even the most “liberal” of pundits are handing out this middle-of-the-road, wishy-washy, empty rhetoric out as though it’s going to restore anything.

Chris Hedges over at Truthdig.com put it best in his most recent article on the Phantom Left. His argument goes, that as long as moderates parade themselves around thinking they are actually liberal, making fun of tea-partiers and anarchists alike, then the the corporations who are trampling all over the Bill of Rights are going to laugh all the way to the bank. At first, I was skeptical of Hedges position, but he pointed out that the Tea Party is angry for good reasons. Their pain and anger is justified. They have been marginalized. They are misguided, of course. But pretend they’re all atheists and censor out their bigotry and what you have left is something makes a little sense.

Don’t get angry, says Stewart, be reasonable. Colbert’s March to Keep Fear Alive is his mockery of, apparently, the only other alternative. You are either afraid of everything, or you’re calm and rational.

There’s another emotion that Americans should be feeling. Anger. The only people feeling it are the psychotic right-wing movement known as the tea party. Routinely the anarchists and the communists are being asked to calm down and be reasonable by the likes of Colbert and Stewart. They are made fun of in the same breath as the Tea-Partiers. Marginalized and ostracized and not taken seriously. The only thing worse than being ruthlessly hunted (a-la Joseph McCarthy) is being ruthlessly ignored.

We should be really pissed off right now, America. Our rights have been trampled by psychotic lowlifes in D.C., our voices muted and replaced by the sophisticate humor of Stewart and Colbert. Why do our unions cower in fear at the thought of striking? Why do our anarchists read Noam Chomsky and think that just because they’ve done that, they somehow made the world a better place? How come these are the most quality people they could find at Stewart’s rally?

Where’s the anger? Where’s the outrage? Why can’t the liberal left organize as effectively as the psychopathic right? Just what, I ask, is going on here? What does it take to light a fire under people’s asses?

Today is election day and the Tea Party is poised to win some key elections. How did that happen? I’ll tell you why. The liberal left, otherwise known as “nobody,” didn’t step up to the plate. The moderates who call themselves democrats are the most anemic bunch of whiny jerks that ever sold out this country to corporate interests. And the fat, rich, white men who call themselves Republicans don’t even give a shit as long as they can cock block any bit of good legislation that the so-called Democrats can whip up, all the while hailing their new mother-messiah Sarah Palin as a godsend and a breath of fresh air.

America used to have a radical left, but not anymore. It doesn’t exist. There are no anarchists anymore. Hell, even Noam Chomsky is barely an anarchist. He’s just an elitist lecturer who never gets his hands dirty. Nobody gets fired up by reading Chomsky. They just feel smarter and can pretend to do something productive.

What about me? A liberal anarchist blogger who is just as useless as Noam Chomsky. In fact, I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how little I’ve done to change the world. But, the question gets routinely asked, what am I supposed to be doing? Voting doesn’t work. The ballot box gives us the illusion of influence. So what else is there? I live in North Dakota surrounded by Tea Partiers and Republicans. I’m flat broke about ninety percent of the time.

The liberal left is about as powerless as a newborn baby. But at least a newborn baby has the capacity for growth.

How about a Rally to Get Fucking Angry people?

viva la revolution.